I didn’t know until I knew.

Growing up as a child, I only knew four types of emotions. These were happy, sad, anger, and fear.

Unknowingly, I have programmed myself to stay happy all the time. No matter what I saw, heard, tasted, smelled, and felt – I told myself to just stay happy or to at least try. I came to understand that crying was shamed, speaking up was shunned, asking for help was a sign of weakness, and disconnection was not a good place. My experience with punishment made me believe that it was the only way to communicate order and being mad and being aggressive were the preferred ways to get attention and to be listened to. My forms of attachments were insecure and so does separation. I have learned to play popular by taking on responsibilities that do not belong to a child.

Then, as an adult, I have survived by projecting confidence. Guilt became my forever companion. Rage was my medium of expression. And withdrawal brought me safety. A roller coaster kind of life seemed normal. All was good.

As a confident person, I have thought of big thoughts; I have looked beyond my situations, and I have acted quick. Brilliant! I have made myself a self-made woman. But then I became a wife and a mother. My ideals of a perfect home were contradictorily executed into a violent mess. In a foreign land, my vulnerabilities were exposed. My limitations were magnified 500 times bigger than my strengths. I hurt myself, the people around me, more so scarred my children. I was drowning; I was falling apart; I was broken; I froze; I floated.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was my diagnosis. After years of talking to my psychologist and to my psychiatrist, I felt that finally, someone was listening to me, but the symptoms did not stop. Plus popping the ‘colourful tropical fruit salad” like looking pills (literally because they were colourful and so many) has turned me into a zombie with severe comorbid conditions.

In one of my silent moments, I have asked myself, “what would it be like to simply be free”? Then, a thought came into my head “let go of these pills”, “bounce back”, “you’re not broken”. And I did! I stood up, dusted off the unwanted, built back my confidence, went back to work, found love, remarried, and re-ignited my mission to make a difference and to serve.

Now my everyday life is a journey back home to myself. PTSD has blessed me with so much wisdom, so much joy. I am living proof that PTSD is not you, it’s not a story or a memory of or in the past, it is about you and what has happened to you, it sits in your body, and it sits within you.

I found Marisa Peer on Facebook, her words resonated with me, and it strung a chord in my heart. I have enrolled in her Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) course and as I went through the modules and learned her techniques, I was so blown away by its rapid effect on me and on everyone with whom I have tested the method. My daughters were my first two volunteer clients. Although the scenes uncovered were hard to swallow, and the emotions that came through were horrifying but those sessions I believe we're the best gift I had given my two princesses. We didn’t just go closer, they also felt so free!

As someone who has hit rock bottom and have gone through years of therapy, I confidently say that RTT has given me the best tool to further my passion in helping others to heal. Because of my own powerful transformation, it is my purpose to guide others in shifting their ways of thinking for them to create a healthy, joyful life.

This month of October, I’d love for you all executive mums who just like me have experienced childhood trauma to join me in raising awareness of maternal mental health issues as a response to World Mental Health Month 2021.

Let us journey along towards healing because our children’s future lies in our hands.